Friday, March 30, 2012
Well, if I was gonna cheat.....it would be today.......It was 6 months ago today that I said goodbye to my 2 1/2 month old daughter, Kyndall Reagan.....She was born with a heart defect and a liver defect, we did everything we could to help her, but God chose to take her home....I have not even considered questioning God in this matter, because He knows the end from the beginning, and He has what is best for His children in mind with every decision He makes......so I KNOW that God has a plan for my life, and part of that was teaching me what it is like to let go of my own child, not having her in my life is a difficult, and sometimes a daily struggle, sometimes I wonder if it was my own poor health that was part of the reason she had to live the short difficult life that she did....My husband and I have talked about having another baby, but I have decided that before we do, I want to be out of the plus-size clothes....and as healthy as I can possible be.....Kyndall is another of the reasons for my journey FINALLY beginning....I know that there is NO CHALLENGE to great for me to overcome, because I have been through something that others have said they could never go through....I am still dealing with the loss, I know it will take at least a year to be done with all the "firsts" that come after such a tragedy, I say tragedy, but I believe when all is said and done, it will be a TRIUMPH.....I know that God did not bring her into my life to destroy me, but to give me the strength that I never knew I had...during her life and certainly during her death, I had to pull strength from out of my depths, I know that it is a strength that God has put inside of me, and I also know it is a strength that He puts into each of us, just some people have never had to find it.....well, I HAD to find it, and now that I have....I want to put it to the best use I can....I want to change the person I am, into the person I want to be....I want to be that energetic, playful, fun mom.....the one who always has the energy needed to play with my kids, and take them amazing places.....I want to have my health, I want to hold my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren (if the Lord tarries).....I would like to have just one more child.....and I KNOW I have the strength, through Christ, to reach all those goals.....I know that I can't dwell on the things in life I cannot change, but I can FOCUS my energy and strength into the things I know I should change.....the road is sometimes hard when climbing to the top of a mountain, but the view from the top just can't be beat!!!! Thought I should also let you know, that I haven't cheated today....I went to my Nanny's and brought my own food, (including the nasty shake)....and she was kind enough to have fresh Strawberries, and Grapes for dessert..... :) .....I love her SO MUCH!!!! Did some shopping, LOTS of walking, and had a great time with my kids and hubby......I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!!