Tuesday, May 1, 2012

This was my lunch today :) Salmon and green beans :) It was delish, and the best part was that while I was eating, my son came up to mooch green beans, and my daughter wanted some of my Salmon AND my green beans :) She said she LOVED Salmon, and Josiah, of course, would have eaten ALL my green beans if I had let him...ha ha....Tonight for dinner, we had green beans again (my favorite veggie) and Josiah asked if he was getting to have green beans just like mommy :) and he was so excited to get to eat some like me :) That is pretty cool to me, cause even though I make my kids take a bite of everything on their plate, I have never tried to get them to like veggies, and knowing that just my example of healthy eating is changing what they want to eat is AWESOME!!!!

So, my mind is completely determined to make changes in my life for the better, but it seems to be a daily fight to get my body on the same plan...ha ha...I need to get my heart rate up everyday, so I my plan, in my mind, is to do some dance aerobics after the kids go to bed, but I feel so stinkin' tired today, I am gonna have to make myself....the fact that I am getting my blog up and it isn't even 7:30 is a perfect example of how tired I am today....I need to get to bed early tonight :) I finished the prom dress I was working on, so now I can focus on eating right, and getting more exercise....didn't take the dog for a walk today, but the day isn't over yet, I can still get some activity in tonight :) I have a lot on my mind today, about lots of things, but I can't quite put it into words, that would make sense to anyone else, but me......I am trying to figure out how all my feelings of anticipation, loss, failure, and determination fit together, and how I can figure out why I am having feelings of being defeated, and how to use them for good, and for success, instead of letting self-doubt eat away at me....I am typically a positive, low-stress kind of person, so dwelling on the negative has never been something I do, but I have discovered since the loss of my sweet Kyndall, that dwelling on the negative, or even allowing others in my presence to be negative is damaging to my WHOLE spirit, and brings me down on many levels....and I have never before had stress like I did this last year, I don't know that I really know how to deal with stress, I think I just shut-down and go on auto-pilot.....not so great for the spirit either.....so, what I have learned, is when I am feeling "off" I have to figure out the trigger and fix it, or deal with it....otherwise, I will be just stuffing it....I can guarantee that is not the answer....you can never run from your fears or drink away your problems, there is no substance (including food) that will fix the issues in your heart and mind.....the best way for me is to address the problem, currently I can't figure it out, maybe it is just that I am tired, but if it is more than that, I will soon figure out, what is triggering my negative thoughts.....I have a good idea that it is because I have been made aware over the last few days of other people's tragic losses, and I think I just feel my loss all over again, fresh and new.....I wonder how long I will keep allowing this wound to be ripped open again, and when will it be just a scar to remind me of what once was, but no longer painful.....yeah, there it is....I think I have figured out my current trigger :( Oh, how I miss my baby......there is no amount of focus and determination that can erase the feelings of great loss that I have. It was 7 months ago yesterday that she went to be with Jesus, and I still miss her.....I often push my pain to the side, because I have to be able to function, I have to be able to get through the day without her, I can't just live in my PJ's, I have people that depend on me, and I need to be needed by them, and I CANNOT dwell on what I cannot change, so therefore, I MUST focus my energy on things that I can see and feel, I must use this pain to facilitate positive change in my life, I must live my life in a healthier way, cause I never want to put my children through the pain of losing me until I am old enough for them to be willing to let me go cause it is for the best....I don't want to leave my kids suddenly, unless that is what the Lord's plan is.....but I MUST focus on creating positive change in my life.....ok, I know at this point I am probably rambling and have lost most of my readers attention, but I think I have somehow talked myself into working out tonight even though I don't really feel like doing anything.....I have to just remind myself why I am changing, and why I need to stay focused :) Hope you have a good evening.....

1 comment:

  1. Your why is the most powerful reason you will have to continue on eating healthy, exercising, being more active. Your why is what will help you push through the down times. My why was to leave a positive example to my family, to be healthy when my grand kids are running around, I want to play with them. My why is that I feel more confident when I am healthier looking. Your why will lead you to reach your goals. Clif.